Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Finding His Purpose

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming pain in my heart.  This seems to be my new normal.  I miss my boys.  I miss being their mommy.  I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.

Throughout this journey, Josh and I have prayed for God to take hold and lead.  We would only follow.  Giving over complete control has been hard.  There are many times I wanted to grab the reins.

"Hold up here God, wrong way."

I wanted to tell Him that on March 24th, 2015.  And again on February 8th, 2016.  Both days when we lost our boys.

I have been holding off on writing this post.  Praying things would change so I wouldn't have to.  But they aren't and this is just where we are.  We are being told not to continue our adoption journey in Ethiopia.  There are many changes occurring and things are very unsettled.  Some of the proposed changes will greatly effect the opportunity for these children to have forever families.  This is disheartening.  Since the need is so great.  Millions of children who will never know the love of a mommy or daddy.

We have been given the opportunity to switch to our agency's China program.   We have prayed about this over the past month and will continue to.  Currently our hearts are not there.  I'm not sure if they ever will be. We are deeply in love with Ethiopia and 2 precious boys there.   We know this very well means we will never bring home our son.

So here we are.  Over 3 years, 2 boys, and $30,000 later.   We are more broken hearted than we have ever been but we know our God is unfailing and faithful.  I just can't help but wonder...

What was His purpose?  Why did He bring us to this?   What are we supposed to do now?

I am struggling with this being God's plan.  To open all of these doors and break our hearts for His children, to only slam them shut and leave us here.   To have us fall in love with 2 boys.  One having over a 75% chance of being a victim of sex slavery when he ages out and the other with such a severe disability it is unknown how long he will survive.  

I know that is not it.  That is not my God.  I know there is more.  I just wish I could see it.  Like right now.

Currently we are working on finding F.  The first little boy we were referred.  We are prayerful we will find him and fight to make him not just another statistic of a child left behind.  It is easy to run wild with the possibilities of connecting with F and having a future with him.  He can not be adopted but we yearn to have any type of relationship with him that we can.

I do know that Josh and I feel strongly led to help these children that will never come home.  Like our 2 boys.  We plan to travel to Ethiopia this year and become active with our agency's (un)adopted program.  

Is this it?  Was this His purpose all along?   Are we being called to love these children instead of bringing one into our home?

I wish I knew but in the meantime we will pray and continue to follow.  Thank you for your continued support.  This has has been hell and you all have been there for us.  We love each and every one of you.