Yesterday marked 3 years since Josh and I began this journey. February 8th, 2013. I was so nervous. So was he. It was scary, exciting, stressful. I remember spending hours researching agencies, countries, the financial aspect of adoption. I would sit and watch Gotcha videos all day long. I would cry knowing that one day that would be us. We would be walking through those gates to hold our son for the first time. I still get chills thinking about it. We knew we had a difficult road ahead of us. Not one person had told us it would be easy.
The past 3 years have taught me more about myself than I could have ever dreamed. I can't think of any other experience I have ever had to go through being this hard. Single mom in nursing school...not even close. I have seen things in myself that I did not know existed. It is a testimony to what mothers can do. God gives us a special gift. A mother's intuition.
February 8th, 2016. Josh and I, once again, sat down to listen to someone tell us devastating news about a child we have grown to love. A child we have prayed for. A child we have dreamed of. A child we have watched grow for 7 months.
On January 11th we received an update on Y. He looked different. So incredibly sad. Attached was a brief update. He was sick. I knew instantly it was bad. A mother's intuition you may say. For a month, I pushed and prayed like I had never prayed in my life. On my knees, crying out to God to heal our sweet boy. I wanted answers. Yesterday we got those answers.
I am limited as to what I can say on social media but we received Y's medical reports. He has a very severe disability, actually two. At 15 months old, he is unable to support his head and neck along with a multitude of other problems. We are unable to move forward with his adoption, for a few different reasons.
Again, we are left heartbroken and empty. I have been thinking about what to say and I just don't have the words yet. My mind, nor my heart, has had time to process. We are grieving...hard. Please be patient with me. I am not me right now. I now have 2 boys that I will never hold or kiss their sweet lips.
We do not know what is next. I want to quit. To save myself from ever feeling this pain again. But God is still there, pushing us to keep going. We both feel him. Please pray that God continues to lead us, and that we continue to listen and follow. It is so easy to turn from Him when you are deep in darkness but in Him comes light, and we know that.
No one ever said it would be easy. Easy it has not. Thank you for all of your prayers. You have been praying right alongside us since you learned he was sick. I am so thankful to have each of you in my village.
My sister-in-law sent me this. I found it to be perfect.
"Though I bring grief, I will show compassion. So do not despair when hard times come your way, and do not try to escape them prematurely. Timing in My prerogative! There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Grief is a season, and I use it for your good. Unlike the four seasons of the year, the seasons of your life are not orderly or predicable. When you are grieving, you may feel as if sorrow will accompany you the rest of your days. But remember that I have promised to show compassion. So great is My unfailing Love for you!"